I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize