There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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