I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
