He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
