my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
