do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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