you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
