I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
