just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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