She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
