Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
