My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
