I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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