literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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