i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
