i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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