How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
