Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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