dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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