I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize