It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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