1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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