We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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