i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
3 2 1 whiskey
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
