I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
