gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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