So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
