I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
