i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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