i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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