My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
