She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
