Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
