By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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