Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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