we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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