No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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