I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
