They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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