Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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