Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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