I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
