I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
