I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
