I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
