Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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