I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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