Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize