finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
