Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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