I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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