my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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