okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize