i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
