dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
