I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
