Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
