So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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