I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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