I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
