There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
