so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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