Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize