I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
