Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i drank out of a bidet.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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