i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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