My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
