I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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