As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
