I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
