I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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