Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
